I've been waking up before dawn
with the frost with a nervous feeling
I might be late for work.
I'm late for LIFE.
I'm not sleeping much. I only started eating again
because my mother brought me back here,
and gave me no choice.
I'm late. I should be somewhere by now.
I actually wanted something.
For the first time in my LIFE I wanted something
and I wanted somebody
and I'm going to type it out until my soul has digested it
and I'm afriad I can't let myself care
about how pathetic it may be to need words so badly
or about caring in itself. I can't let myself care
about the fact that I cared.
It all went away in the blink of joke.
What can possibly be next?
I came into this year the happiest I've ever been.
I believed I was changing. I felt older,
slightly more sophisticated. I felt satisfied.
But the world changed for me again.
The world changed for me so I could stay the same.
I felt I had a place in a community. Relationships of mutual benefit.
Mutuality is a myth?
Mutuality as the myth.
These have been bad luck days.
I actually feel REGRET. And that's an emotion for the
bottom feeders.
My feet are asleep. Let me curl up on the floor,
numb.
If I could un-fuck anything... I'd take the prize
from the gathering and leave the gathering behind.
I'd have the affection back and feel lucky.
Alas,
I am alone. Learning.
